I am a fool. Oh what a little fool am I...maybe. Have I done the right thing? Have I walked away from the person I care most about in the world? Perhaps.

I don't deserve to have him change. I don't deserve JD, I don't deserve Matt, I honestly don't deserve any of that. Because I am a terrible, horrible, no-good person to have sprung this on him. He was shocked...he had no idea. And yet, doesn't that make it even worse? That he didn't notice my unhappiness, that he couldn't even see he needed to change until I told him I was leaving...

He begs for me to come back, he says he'll wait as long as I need him to. I have never seen him show so much emotion, never seen him express any negative thing besides anger and frustration. Is that why it hurts so much, because I didn't know how to prepare for it?

I wish I could stop asking questions. I think maybe I wasn't as ready for this as I thought I was. Or maybe I just underestimated how much it was going to hurt me because I am so, so tired...

Matt might come home with me for Thanksgiving anyway. I told him the time with just us, no school or other friends or roommates or anything would be good, would help me figure out if I can give him that last chance he's begging me for. Begging...good God, I never thought to see him beg. Never in a thousand years. I didn't know he was capable of begging.

I want a dog. JD and I went to play with the shelter pups yesterday, and it was really fun. I've been looking at shelter dogs for adoption ever since. But I can't have a dog yet. It's too bad. I really wish I had something fuzzy that thinks I'm awesome right now.

*This is my brain at 6 in the morning after countless cups of coffee and various other caffeinated beverages. Enjoy!

Prescription drugs advertised on television = bad.

I miss my dog.

Kneecaps. Holy crap. They move when I push them around and it's weird.

Blake looks about 10 years old when he's sleeping in a booth at a coffee shop. It's kind of adorable.

Water is an instant headache cure.

Pastries. Ohmygod yummmmm.

I love Matt. More than anybody else in the world, I think. Uh oh.

I will probably have to reread everything I've written within the past few hours and decode the early morning gobbledygook in order to form a cohesive assignment.

Can't believe I'm posting this.

My grammar is going to shit. Dr. Varner, please forgive me...

Mix CDs are the way to go. I love them so much.

And that's enough from the madwoman this evening.

Morning. Fuck.

My mom had to put my dog down yesterday. He was 13 with lots of tumors, hardly a surprise...but I have been pretty down since. I knew this was coming, and I had hoped that I would be around when my mom finally had to take him in so she didn't have to do it all by herself. On the other hand though, my mom tells me that when she knew it was finally time (he had a few seizures and couldn't walk right or anything, I guess) he wasn't even the same dog. I am glad that I can always remember him as happy and normal, that I didn't have to see the way it was right before the end.
I know I should be happy that he's not suffering anymore but I just can't. I never even really told him goodbye. I know he's a dog and he'll forgive me, and maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this, but...Frisco was a huge part of my childhood. He had a good life with us, I shouldn't be sad for him. I'm not really, just sort of wallowing in a little bit of self-pity. Also, it seems to be "everyone walk your dog on campus" day. Buh.

In other news, I'm trying to get people to take a trip to Alley Cat this Saturday! Yaaaay I really hope it works out...

Weak weak weak weak...to be weak. Feeling weak. Weakness of will. Weak with hunger. Weakness of body. Weakness of stomach?

I am not a weak person. I know this all too well. It's weird for me to think that after decades and maybe even centuries of books, movies, plays about how showing your emotions and learning to love is what wins the day after all, I can still be considered weak for wanting closeness, liking to be near someone. Seriously, has that mindset of never showing feelings been paraded around for so long that it's ingrained in the collective unconscious mind? The reason I question this is because when he says "That's because you're the weaker one," I feel bad about it. I think Oh, he's right. I'm the one who gets upset when we don't talk, who can't get him off my mind, who worries when he doesn't talk to me. That is BULLSHIT. I am NOT weak, and loving him doesn't take away any of the strength I have learned or was gifted with. So  I can never say no when he wants to kiss me. Why the FUCK should that make me weak? In fact, shouldn't it be sort of a sign of strength that I can still care about him and want this relationship to work out even though we've had so many issues in the past? Isn't holding on when letting go would be easier something to be proud of, not ridiculed? I am confused and a little angry. I'm tired of the assumption on his part and yes, my own, that he's the strong one because he doesn't care about going for days or even weeks without talking to me. 

"Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Diggin' to rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
One that pushes me along and leaves me so...

Desperate and ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China
White as Dracula as I approach the bottle

Desperate and ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised I would find a little solace and some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so...

Desperate and ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you"

I spend a ridiculous amount of time at Margie's. (Emma, Margie's is the coffee shop that all the college students frequent at UNC.) Honestly, I am here basically every day. Fortunately I have mastered the art of buying only cheap things like iced tea or house coffee that you get refills of, with the occasional smoothie or pumpkin spice eggnog chai thrown in. Also the sandwiches here are delicious. I say here because I am writing this post at Margie's, just like everything else I do that's semi-productive. The people who work here know me by name although I only hang out with one of them outside of the shop. I guess I just spend a LOT of time here. Oddly enough, I don't feel even a little bit guilty about that. It's an awesome place to hang out, comfortable, I get work done, and I can be social because there is always someone I know here. Other Margie's regulars include Blake, Ingrid (when she's not in other countries), Aimee, Geoff, Becca, and even some of my professors. The only drawback to this place is that it closes waaaay too early--about 7 pm, I think.

I finally finished the huge load of reading I have to do for Mythology, I'm immensely relieved. I loved doing this particular reading because it was interesting and I learned a lot, but it's going to free up a lot of my time. Which means I can start being consistent about LJ posts, yay! 

Fall is here! The weather is lovely and still a little bit too warm for me, but the air feels like it's ready for fall. The piles of crunchy leaves on the side sidewalks are starting to show up, and nights are chilly. I feel so alive at this time of year.

Attention all readers: post about archetypes coming soon to a  LiveJournal near you!

I should have gone to Germany this year. I remember sitting in Mackenzie's living room talking about how all of my friends were abroad and I wished I'd had the money to go when I suddenly stopped telling her my excuse. I realized right then that where I am right now begins and ends with me. I'm not sitting at some cafe in Oldenburg writing this update because I procrastinated applying for the study abroad program. More than that, I realized that maybe I didn't just procrastinate; perhaps I subconsciously decided that I would rather stay here. So I started thinking about why I would have decided that in any part of my head. There are a lot of reasons that I came up with, but they all stem from the same source, which I've written about before. I'm talking about fear, of course. I'm scared to go to another country, particularly one where they don't speak my native language. I'm scared because I know absolutely no one who lives in Germany and I know I will miss my friends and I really want to stay here and be with Matt. In fact I wouldn't be with him now if I had gone to Germany. We would have broken up this summer and I would have gone away, and maybe that would have been it. So I'm not exactly disappointed about being in Greeley. I have realized thought that I can't be sitting around moping about not being in Germany because it's my own damn fault. And now that I sort of know what I'm missing maybe I'll put more effort into trying to get there next summer.

Epiphany moment: I do not have to insecure about this relationship. I don't have to worry all the time about who Matt talks to and what he's doing when I'm not there. I don't have to be afraid that he's going to leave me for the first interesting, pretty girl that comes along because he's been with me for this long...and he asked me to come back. He ASKED me to COME BACK. As in he had his chance to see what he could get without me and decided he'd rather be with me. And that has finally gotten itself through my head, I believe. It's taken a while, and I don't know how long it will last. But for now, what an excellent place to be. Confidence really is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have.

I'm getting lazy about posting on here. I will try to get better.

Oh yeah, I have a Twitter. Woo!

My body is trying to make me get sick. But shh! if I don't tell it then I don't have to be sick, right?

I am bad at relationships sometimes.

The weather is lovely.

*Is it possible to carve out memories like you would the inside of a pumpkin? To bake and season the part you want to keep, to mash another part into delicious filling for something else and to simply put the part you don't want in the garbage disposal? And if you can do this can you then put a candle inside your mind and a smile on your mouth to frighten all the scary things away?

*How does he always, always, always forget? Am I that unremarkable? And why doesn't it work that way for me too?

My high school friend's Facebook status as of now just restored my faith in my own writing ability.

<Anonymous in the unlikely event that I ever become LJ friends with this person>: "my fishy (who used to be afraid of the alligator figurine in the bottom of his bowl) now sleeps on it every night. Its suuppper cute!"

...seriously.

Mission: find something on Facebook to make me realize that I can write intelligent things at least better than some. Accomplished.

I really must start developing better sleeping habits.

A few things...

I stayed up beyond late a few nights ago talking about the meaning of life. Sort of. Anyway, I'll most likely post about that conversation at a later time.

The same night this conversation took place James and I (James is the professor at whose house I and some other students have dinner every Wednesday evening) planned what we hope will be an extraordinary, amazing event for Greeley's community. James wants to set a world record by having the largest, one-of-a-kind gathering. We think that it would be awesome to hold an event where anyone who does anything can come and do it where there is also food, beer, and live music. Wow, this sounds a lot like a fail plan when I type it out, hmph. Anyway, it would be a lot like a really big festival of the arts except that it's not just about the arts. We would like to have debate/discussion areas, poetry (or other written material) readings, athletic competitions, even cook-offs maybe. The point is that it would be a place where anyone who is good at anything can come share it with others. I realize that I wrote "planned" above, but what we really did was discuss the idea and talk about how awesome it would be. James wants to try and make it happen though, in the spring of 2011. I think it could be amazingly fantastic if we actually get it off the ground.

I need money. I have enough to be getting by for now, but holy crap I need to find a job, somewhere, soon.

I am letting myself slip back into bad mental and emotional habits. I need to not sabotage this relationship, or at least not help it to fail. I recognize that the first time around Matt and I had a lot of issues, but now I'm seeing that many of them, perhaps even the majority, were in my head. So I need to get over that. I need to not be paranoid all the time and insecure--if he didn't want to be with me he had his chance, right?? Right. I know all of these things, but it's much harder to put them into practice than you might think. I like to be under the impression that I'm doing better though. He certainly is. Some of the same problems are still there, and I know that. I let him know about the things that bother me, which is the only way to help him change. I am trying, soooo very hard...

Beer is delicious. I forgot how much I like having a steady source of alcohol. That makes me sounds like an alky, but I'm really not. I only drink because it tastes good; in fact I refuse to drink cheap beer (like Pabst) just because it's all there is and I want to be drunk.

--> On a side note, we have determined that Pabst is a verb. When you play King's Cup and you do clinkies before everyone drinks, Pabst cans don't make an actual clink, they just "Pabst." Yeah, we know we're cool.

Matt and some of our friends are starting a ska band. I'm actually really excited about this; live shows are hella fun and if Matt is the one inviting me to go I pretty much have to; I can't just stay home and be lame.

I accidentally make (commit? is it a crime?) comma splices. A lot. Dr. Varner's class is opening my eyes to how badly most people write, and also to a few silly errors that I make on a consistent basis myself. So now I see comma splices everywhere, along with archetypes. Archetypes are important for my mythology class. Also very fascinating, but I will write about them later. They deserve a whole entry for themselves.

It is time for sleep, in the small but comfy bed where the warm boy waits. One last thing before I say goodnight: StumbleUpon has been providing me with some excellent poetry lately. Here's one from good old E. E. Cummings.

I carry your heart with me

The semester has started! I honesty don't think I've ever been quite so excited for a school year to start, and I'm not sure why this one is so different. Maybe it's because it seems like I FINALLY get to dive into taking my German classes like I should be doing. I have three of them right in a row on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Also on those days I have a class called the Art of Persuasion, which I think is going to turn out to be really fascinating and probably challenging. Most of our grade is based on five essays throughout the course of the year--persuasive essays. I have a feeling that these are going to be a lot like writing debate cases, which is a-okay with me. My only regret is that we don't get the opportunity to present and debate them, as far as I know. I would love nothing more than to be able to debate again...too bad UNC is lacking in the debate team department. And by "lacking," I mean we don't have one. At any rate, the professor for this class, Dr. Varner, has gotten mixed reviews from my friends. Ingrid didn't like him at all, but one of my other acquaintances thought he was a great teacher. He's a self-proclaimed "grammar Nazi," which I am more than alright with, and the class sounds like it will be pretty engaging. I think I'm going to stick with it.

Tomorrow I go to my first Greek and Comparative Mythology class, and I have heard nothing but good things about this one. Hell, one of the books we need is the mythology edition of those "Ology" books you see at the library, the ones with the big jewels on the cover and all kinds of pull-outs and extras in the books themselves. A kid's book, essentially. One of our other required texts is "Mythology for Dummies." Obviously this professor has a pretty well-developed sense of humor and has figured out how to use it to his advantage in the classroom. The only thing I'm not pleased about for this course is that not all of the textbooks I need for it have arrived yet. Quite frustrating. I went ahead and bought them from the Book Stop anyway, because we get a week or so of grace to give students time to drop classes and such when we can still return books for full price. I figure I'll just make do with that until all the books come in. The trouble with ordering books off the interwebs...

My German classes look to be wonderful this year. My first one, German 311, is apparently a survey of the German culture, a little bit of everything that's most important in making Germany and Germans what they are. The second class, German 301, is a film-based class, which I did not realize until the first meeting today. What we do is watch about 4 or 5 films, discuss and most likely write about them, and then take a test over them. This happens twice a semester. Watching movies all semester long? I am SO down with that. My third German class, German 116, is the only one I'm not so sure about. It seems to be essentially the same thing as 311, only in English. Also, since it passes for an LAC credit as well, there are a shit ton of freshman in there. I don't mean to sound like an elitist, but I think there are a lot of people in that class who don't give tuppence for learning about Germany, they just want to get their LAC credits and this class seemed easy. I detest being in classes like that. I was a freshman, I graduated high school, and I feel like I've had more than my fill of students who just want the grade and don't care anything for the class. I hope I don't wind up shooting someone this semester.

Hey, look at this! I'm posting to my LJ during the school year! I'm so proud of me, and all of you should be too! This is unprecedented, and you all have to help keep me accountable by not letting me slack off as far as posting consistently goes, mmmkay?? Here's to a new school year!

All the awesome things in my life right now...

*Cool, dark basement apartments
*Large soft beds
*Marching band fellowship
*Good friends and live music
*Great food and beer to match
*Sandals and tank tops and skirts
*Meaningful conversations among intelligent people
*My wonderful boy
*Sleeping all blessed day if I want to
*Sunburns from a day of work well done
*Books of insight and wit
*The contentment that comes only after a huge meal of Chinese food
*Sunshine and rain and thunderstorms
*Frisbee and slacklines

...seriously. I am truly living right now.

*Many thanks to Langston Hughes for penning the above quote, along with some other really awesome poetry.

What a week...this has been one of the whirliest times of my life. Also, I just invented a word. Go me!

Living in this apartment rocks. As much as I'm looking forward to living with Tanya, for the time being I am loving this whole not having a roommate thing. I can walk around in my underwear all day if I want to. (This is the part where my readers are thinking, "Hum, well does she walk around in her underwear--or nothing at all--all day????" At least, that's what I imagine you guys think. Well, you'll never know, and I'll never tell, HA!) I listen to whatever music I want, as loud as I care to have it, and all the lights are usually out if I'm not in the room.

Everyone lives close to me, it seems. Kayli is right across the street, Jamal and Loki are about two and a half blocks away (in a really rather sketchy apartment complex behind 7-11), Matt and his roommates are a few blocks further than that, but still only about a 5 minute walk away, and Mackenzie is of course right upstairs. Marcus lives the furthest away from me, but we both have cars, and enjoy walking. It makes me feel really social and awesome to have so many friends close by.

Friends...I love mine. Honestly, you guys are all super awesome, and I can't even begin to express how happy my friends make me. Consider my socks officially rocked off. I've developed a few relationships that I already had, and gotten some new ones in the bargain...some of the circumstances attached to a few of the newer friends are interesting, to say the least, but that doesn't detract from their value. I'll probably wind up posting about that drama later.

I saw Matt again on Monday night this week, at Loki and Jamal's house. It was extremely awkward, I could hardly look at him. And once I'd gotten some tequila in my system I got a tad bit emotional and it was just really hard. We had a good night though, I got to play with Loki's kitten; she mangled my hands but is so adorable that I don't mind even a little bit. The next night Matt asked me if I wanted to have spaghetti at his house, so I did...damn this feels awkward to be typing. Anyway, he asked me to forgive him for making a mistake this summer and if I thought we could try again. Obviously, I said yes I could. I would be lying if I tried to pretend that a) I hadn't sort of seen this coming and b) it wasn't exactly what I wanted. It feels different this time around, so I'm really optimistic. Maybe I'm just super giddy and happy still, however. I don't know how much I've changed since last time, or how it might have affected me, but I guess I'll find out. As Anne Shirley would say "Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? Why, it just makes you feel glad to be alive, doesn't it?"

I have some internet at my dwelling place, yay! This is going to be wonderful, for purposes of LiveJournaling and Facebooking at my own convenience, I'm very pleased.

So I'm finally back in Greeley. It's strange, a lot of this summer feels like a dream, or something that happened in someone else' life. Being here makes me realize how much of who I am is attached to certain people and places and the interactions therein. This worries me a little, because I think I should be who I am no matter who or what surrounds me. I don't think that the difference is huge, and I suppose it's mostly normal for summers to feel completely different from school, but still. Something to muse on.

My apartment rocks, I'm so very excited to be living here. I haven't had a particular attachment to the place I was living since I was in 5th grade. I LOVED that house, Emma will remember it. I had my own bathroom, and even a spare room to have all my toys and everything in. There was a mulberry tree right outside (a female one, so it bore lots of yummy berries), and a deck in front and in back, and a sort of tree house in the other big mulberry tree. I love this apartment as much as I loved that place, but for different reasons. I think this is going to be a good semester. And if I think it's going to be, it can't possibly turn out to be anything but, right??

I have lots of memories lurking in Greeley. I went to the grocery store that's about a block from my house yesterday and as soon as I walked in I started thinking of Matt. We used to shop there pretty much every weekend, because making food was one of the things we always did together. I don't think I'd been there more than a couple of times without him, and I certainly was with him last time I was there. It makes me sad if I think about it too much. Another weird thing was going to Marcus' house, although that was much more pleasant. It looks different now, but the vibes are even better than they were before and I foresee spending a lot of good times there in future.

On the flip side of seeing old familiar places, I have come across a few new familiar ones as well. You know what I mean, when you come to a place that you know you haven't been to before, but you still feel like it's a comfortable place and you just know you're going to have lots of good experiences there. I felt that at the band house (Marcus' band) and my own apartment and at Mackenzie's apartment, which is right upstairs from mine. I have to take a sentence to say how stinking cool it is that I don't even have to put on shoes to go to Mackenzie's house now. Seriously, awesome.

Lots of things are happening in the next week or so, it's going to be interesting.

1) This is my last day of work. I'm pleased; not that I don't enjoy my job, but I really am ready for something different and possibly more permanent. School semester permanent, anyway, not like career-choice permanent.

2) I move into my new apartment tomorrow. I'm a bit embarrassed, as I always am, about how much stuff I have to move into the place. I know it won't seem like that much once I'm in, particularly since it's just me and Tanya this time, but still. I have too much shit.

3) I have to come back to Delta to have my final root canal follow-up appointment. I'll be relieved to have people quit messing with my teeth, this is getting ridiculous.

4) I will have some time in Delta to just be here and hang out with whoever I want, whenever I want. No work to get in the way...I'm more excited about this than I anticipated. I thought I would be pretty mad to have to come back at all, and I am frustrated with the delay in settling down. But, I think that I need some more time to see people and come to peace with this place before I leave for the school year.

5) I will soon be where I can see a few really good, close friends that I've been able to communicate with over the internet and phone this summer, and I'm beyond excited about that. Marcus, Mackenzie, and various others are already in Greeley, and then Kayli and Ingrid (for a little bit) will be there as well. I'm SO PUMPED!!! College life is wonderful, I can't wait to get back to it. It's very strange, this summer feels like I've been existing in a dream. I'll be seeing Matt again as well...I don't need to talk about that though. Not here, not now.

6) I think that living with Tanya is going to turn out really well. She is quiet and really nice, and she seems very easy to get along with. I don't know if we'll be bosom friends or anything, but I think we will at least be able to tolerate (and hopefully like) each other. I absolutely can't wait to start putting our apartment together, it's going to be the most awesome apartment EVER. Also, Mackenzie and Ryan are living upstairs from us; it will be cool to have a good friend so close. Also, we can get an internet package together.

7) My schedule this semester rocks. I have to have 8 books for one of my classes, Greek Mythology, but they aren't that expensive and I have heard good things about the professor and the class. I also have three German classes, concert band, marching band, and the Art of Persuasion. I will drop Persuasion if I don't like it or don't have enough time, apparently the professor sucks.

8) ...I've run out of important, ground-breaking things to put in here. However, I seem to have a random attraction to boys who wear girl jeans and more eye make-up than I own at any given point. Seriously, I met this guy on Monday night...he is gorgeous. Gorgeous gorgeous emo boy. And he seems to be able to have intelligent conversations and enjoy life, so he just looks emo, I suppose. Too bad he's a few years too young for me...for now. :P

So here I am, about to leave and return...I feel more energetic than I have in a long time. Marcus says that last night was the first time he's heard me sound alive on the phone in ages. I suppose that should make me feel disappointed in myself, but I just laughed when he told me. Apparently I have been a zombie this summer. Brains....

Clocks on the wall
tick, tock
I've got so many damn clocks
and never the right time

Every new clock I pick up
tick, tock
I hope it'll be the one
to keep me on time,
but life's got one on me
Father Time's alarm never went off
tick tock
that stupid clock
tocking, ticking, talking back to me

It's not my time
to love or die
just my time
to be
be regular, ordinary me

A blink too late...
...a kiss too early
tick tock

Hear the clock
it's telling, oh it's telling me
come back tomorrow
or next Tuesday
don't be too late

tick, tock
tick, talk, talk...
talk to me.

Leave me a comment and:

1. I’ll respond with something random about you.

2. I’ll challenge you to try something.

3. I’ll pick a color that I associate with you.

4. I’ll tell you something I like about you.

5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.

6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you.

8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.

The above is a question my friend asked me when I mentioned I had an endodontist appointment on Friday morning (yesterday morning). I laughed, but really, I didn't know that word existed until I had to make an appointment with one.

Working on teeth has to be a thankless task. Sure, you get paid a lot of money and get to use some fancy equipment, but honestly, mouths are disgusting places. Think of all the stuff that goes on in your mouth. Ew.

So yesterday I had a root canal. Let me first say that there is no getting around the fact of the awkwardness of dentist/endodontist appointments. You lay on your back under a lot of really bright lights and a person, sometimes two people, wearing rubber gloves pokes around in your mouth with their fingers and some tools. If you have to get something major done to your teeth, you get the wonderful experience of having your entire freaking mouth made numb and develop a more intimate acquaintance with a contraption called a dental dam than you ever wanted to have. A dental dam is a piece of really funky-smelling, uncomfortable plastic in trendy colors anywhere from snot grey to puke green (they're all about the body fluid colors for these things) that they attach to your teeth with mysterious bits of metal which were probably essential parts of a torture device at one time. The dental dam makes it easier for the tooth technician to see the tooth they are working on. It also makes your face feel like you've been rubbing sand paper on it and sticks your lips and tongue in a permanently open position so that all your spit runs to the back of your throat and tries to choke you. Also, dentists and nurses must take classes in deciphering the speech of people with various types of dentist equipment in their mouths, because to my ears, when I am asked a question and must answer it while having my teeth worked on, it sounds like I'm inventing a new language based off of a series of grunts and choking noises.

So next comes the variety of heavy machinery used to perform the various maintenance on teeth. I say heavy machinery, and I mean it. Some of the tools Dr. Eric Barnhurst stuck in my mouth today are just plain scary-looking. I was about reconciled to all this crazy stuff going on, laying back and trying not to stare too much at Dr. Barnhurst (who I will describe in detail later...) and then I hear the highest-pitched noise I have ever heard in my entire life. And it's coming from INSIDE MY MOUTH. It was so loud I could barely hear my music, which was coming through my headphones. That, ladies and gentlemen, is loud. There were other drills and various sharp-looking objects that were stuck into the back of my mouth as well. I could see the reflection of what was going on, sort of, on the covering for the dentist light they always have floating right above your face. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing; on one hand, it's really morbidly fascinating. On the other hand, it's weird seeing blood coming out of your mouth but not feeling any pain. The numbness after the operation is probably the worst part of it, because the pain in the actual tooth always comes back before the numbness in the gums and tongue (and in my case throat as well) is gone. That's why you're not supposed to eat anything chewy, because it's really easy to gnaw on the inside of your cheek for about half an hour without realizing it and then have an entirely unexpected source of pain once the feeling comes back.

The endodontist who fixed my molar yesterday was gorgeous. There is no other way to describe this guy, he was the most attractive married man I have ever seen in my life. At least I think he was married; he wasn't wearing a wedding band but I've noticed that dentists tend not to. There is essentially no way a man this attractive could have been single still, I shit you not when I say that this individual was stunning to behold. It was really hard not to just stare into his eyes the whole time he was working on my teeth. By the way, having an extremely attractive doctor work on your teeth is an exceedingly humbling experience. There is no way to pull off being cool and dignified while laying in a dentist chair, there just isn't. But, yay for eye candy.

Now we've come to the pills. Oooh, the pills. Apparently I had a slight bit of infection in this tooth area, and thus need to be on an antibiotic for about a week or so. The pills that I was prescribed are HUGE. I swear they are the size of my pinky finger, it's insane. And I have to take four of them a day until they are gone, plus the ibuprofen that's needed as a result of about fifty million different shots to the gums and all the drills and other sharp objects which were stuck into my hollowed-out tooth roots. I'll be carrying around a lot of drugs with me for a while.

In other news, I'm sitting at Delta's one and only good coffeeshop finishing this entry and sort of having a conversation with a couple of people from Australia. Also, the guy I sort of had a thing with last summer works here. I don't regret not making any more of that than I did, because I think it would have ended badly, but he's still really cool. And I'm going to hang out with his sister again this evening; we went to see The Half-Blood Prince last night. I forgot how well I like Emma, she's awesome. And also one of my LiveJournal friends; Emma, you rock!

Today is a good day, without me having to endeavor to make it so. How wonderful, good days can still happen of their own accord.

Why do older people--family friends, uncles/aunts, etc--always ask if you're "staying out of trouble?" Like you would say so if you weren't, and if you did something too bad to mention to them in public don't they think they would have heard about it? I detest that question.

However, today is nonetheless a good day. I refuse to let it be anything but, I have had too many bleh days recently. I also realized that there are so many more people, ones I know and other people in the world, who are going through much worse than I am and ever have. I should stop wallowing in my self-pity and reach out to the people around me. The sky is still blue, and the mountains cool, the lakes full of fish (which my entire stinking family besides me has been catching lately), and life is full of, well, life. Also, my mom is amazing. I bitch and whine about my mother a lot, particularly because we seem to have less and less in common the older I get. I think this has helped me to understand her more though, and as a result we are closer than we were before. Surprisingly, I don't mind when my mom holds me and lets me cry. I used to think I didn't want to show weakness to her, but now I find I don't mind so much.

Other things on my mind: I have some wonderful friends, and I tend to neglect them when I'm in emotional upheaval. I am so, so sorry to everyone who this has affected. I love and cherish you all, I really do.

Grammar. I love grammar, and I cannot stand it when elementary mistakes are made by nice, intelligent people that I like a lot. i.e.  "I seen her." No,  you did not, you saw her. "It don't matter." No, it don't, it doesn't matter. "There aren't no more on here." There aren't any more on here.

Jelly beans. Mmmm...